I’ve seen these memes around lately, posted by sex educators and sex therapists.
Memes saying things like:
“How to get the pleasure you want?
Simple: TELL. YOUR. PARTNER. WHAT. YOU. LIKE.”
They make me groan, every time.
Yeah maybe it works for some people, to tell their partner what they want... at least some of the time.
But it won’t work for everyone, and it’s a very limited viewpoint.
In fact, this kind of statement can be disempowering and downright false.
Why? Well, there are two main reasons. Let me explain. *puts on professor glasses*
1. Technique is only one small part of the picture.
We can’t assume that ‘getting’ the pleasure you want is about technique – a certain flick of the wrist, a particular angle and speed and ‘Holy Shit, that’s the magic spot! Wow wow wow!’
Yes, technique has a place, but there are so many layers to exploring sexuality and pleasure with someone.
Beyond technique, other factors that impact the quality of our intimacy include:
- Sexual compatibility
- feeling safe with them
- feeling connected / open to them
- feeling connected to yourself
- intimacy skills
- mental health
- body sensitivity
- body image
- past traumas
- emotional intelligence
- capacity for presence
- stress levels
- time in your cycle (if you bleed)
- libido levels
And now for the unpopular opinion, the more controversial reason why asking for what you want (in terms of pleasure) is not the best way of getting it…
2. Most people don’t truly know what they like in bed.
Statistics show that most of us stop developing sexual skills at a young age, after our first few sexual partners.
We can easily get stuck in ruts of what we think we like and what we think our lovers like, doing the same few positions and getting repetitive, rather than expanding our repertoire and getting curious about what’s possible.
We’re not taught about our pleasure potential. We’re often influenced by porn culture and goal-oriented approaches to sex that are focused on having a quick orgasm, rather than truly enjoying the whole journey of the sexual experience.
Most people haven’t chosen to prioritise discovering the fullness of their sexual potential, and haven’t nurtured a deep relationship with this part of themselves that is always evolving and changing.
It’s not as if we’ll simply like the same thing forever. Wam bam, thank you m’aam!
For sure we’ll have some idea what we want though. (I’m not saying we’re all totally clueless!)
Other times, though, what we truly desire isn’t exactly something we can simply ask for…
(or even something we have words for easily!)
It’s not like putting in an order at a takeaway shop… but if it was, mine would go something like this:
“What would you like?”
“Oh hi, ummm soooo… I want to be in a state where I’m both highly aroused but also smooshy and relaxed but then also deeply surrendered and expanded, where I feel a lot of pleasure in my whole body and where I feel your care and love for me and I don’t know what you’re going to do exactly but it all feels amazing and like tingly and stuff?
Can I have one of those?”
“Ummm… ok… coming right up?!”
Yeah, doesn’t quite work that way, huh…
So how can you truly get the pleasure you want?
Here are some ideas that (I believe) will work better to get the pleasure you want...
- Exploring your sexuality for yourself
- Establishing regular pleasure practices in your daily life
- Getting really curious about all the possibilities
- Unearthing your deepest desires through self enquiry
- Working with a trauma therapist to release old stories
- Harmonising your nervous system (with trauma therapy & body-based practices)
- Sensitising your body for pleasure & aliveness
- Learning to love your body how it is right now
- Discovering that your pleasure potential is infinite
- Maybe even seeing a practitioner who could support you, if that feels right
Inviting your partner to meet you there. (or finding a partner who will meet you there).
I can say from personal experience that I have loved relating with a partner who is also sexually curious, eager to explore and try new things together, and open to feedback and honest conversation around sexuality.
I've found myself in relationships where the sex we're having just keeps getting exponentially better every time.
I've had the kind of sex I never even imagined was possible - because I made it a priority to explore and get to know myself as a sexual being.
I’d love to support you…
My favourite thing in the world is supporting people to get the pleasure they want. I have a range of options, depending on where in the world you are.
- Free Your Pleasure – Pelvic Embodiment for Women
Whole day events in Melbourne for awakening epic pleasure, loving your body and getting solid tools to take home with you to deepen your practice.
- Secrets of Women’s Pleasure – An Immersion Day for Men
Whole day events in Melbourne for men, exploring women’s anatomy of arousal, pleasure, intimacy, orgasm and relating. Real demonstrations on real women’s bodies!
- Yoni Club – my online sexual wellness training for women
Literally everything worth knowing that I've learnt over the last decade working with women's sexuality. All the guided practices you could poke a stick at. An epic community of women to support each other. Curious to join the club? Book in a free 20 minute chat with me to find out if it could be right for you.
- Bliss Coaching sessions with me (online)
Want super specific support for your particular situation? No worries. Just book in an initial Bliss Coaching session and we'll take it from there!
- Yoni Mapping Therapy sessions (for women) or Yoni Massage teaching sessions (for couples) - both in Melbourne. Hands on and hands in, this work goes deep into exploration territory. You'll leave with a whole new awareness of the female pelvis.